I cringe lately when I hear this.
I have been sharing with people that love us and support us about a birth mother we are hoping to get to know soon. I don't know very much about her, but I know she is not a teenager. When hearing this, people, even people that I consider very much supportive of adoption, kind of look confused and ask innocently, "Why would she want to give up her baby?" or "Why wouldn't she want to keep her baby?"
Really, guys?
I know it's not your fault. Our society glorifies single mothers, even teenage ones. I had a heart-breaking conversation with a sweet gal at Kinko's a couple of years ago as I was putting together our 23 copies of our profile for all the Utah offices. I will never forget it.
She was a single mom, and hoping to be pregnant again soon (still single). She was a loving and hard working mother. And she had absolutely no concept of why someone would choose a stable family with a mother and a father for their baby.
She said something like, "Yes, I'm sure there are lots of babies that need families. Women on drugs and people who leave their babies in dumpsters."
I could have fallen over.
My best friend had the courage to place her baby for adoption about 8 years ago. I get that it was the hardest thing she has, or will probably ever do. And she did NOT do it because she didn't "want to keep her baby." She would have given ANYTHING to "keep" her baby. But she wouldn't have been able to give him an eternal family with a mom and a dad, and she wanted that for him more than she wanted anything for herself.
No human being gives birth to a baby and doesn't want to "keep their baby." No one. People who don't want a baby get an abortion. Adoption is not about not wanting to "keep" your baby.
Adoption is about wanting something more for your baby than you have to give. It is about wanting that more than you want anything for yourself. As far as I'm concerned, it is the most selfless act a mother can do besides giving her own life for her child. And it is probably harder.
Single mothers who choose to place their children in a family are a small percentage in any age group, but most are not teenagers. Many more are in their 20's or even 30's. These women know life is not just about them and they know that there is more that their baby can have than what they can give.
If you've said something like this, please don't spend time feeling bad. Just consider this some sensitivity training, and please, if you know a birth mother who is making the courageous choice of adoption, let her know that you get it. It has been hard for me to hear these kind of comments. I can't imagine how painful it would be as a birth mother to hear this over and over.
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