April Fools Snow

We looked out the window and what did we see...


So even after a nice warm stretch AND the official Spring Equinox, on April 1st we woke up to snow... I always knew the supreme forces in the universe had a good sense of humor. This shot is actually from Easter Morning when we had even more snow, taken from the back window.

Why would she want to give up her baby?

Ouch!

I cringe lately when I hear this.

I have been sharing with people that love us and support us about a birth mother we are hoping to get to know soon. I don't know very much about her, but I know she is not a teenager. When hearing this, people, even people that I consider very much supportive of adoption, kind of look confused and ask innocently, "Why would she want to give up her baby?" or "Why wouldn't she want to keep her baby?"

Really, guys?

I know it's not your fault. Our society glorifies single mothers, even teenage ones. I had a heart-breaking conversation with a sweet gal at Kinko's a couple of years ago as I was putting together our 23 copies of our profile for all the Utah offices. I will never forget it.

She was a single mom, and hoping to be pregnant again soon (still single). She was a loving and hard working mother. And she had absolutely no concept of why someone would choose a stable family with a mother and a father for their baby.

She said something like, "Yes, I'm sure there are lots of babies that need families. Women on drugs and people who leave their babies in dumpsters."

I could have fallen over.

My best friend had the courage to place her baby for adoption about 8 years ago. I get that it was the hardest thing she has, or will probably ever do. And she did NOT do it because she didn't "want to keep her baby." She would have given ANYTHING to "keep" her baby. But she wouldn't have been able to give him an eternal family with a mom and a dad, and she wanted that for him more than she wanted anything for herself.

No human being gives birth to a baby and doesn't want to "keep their baby." No one. People who don't want a baby get an abortion. Adoption is not about not wanting to "keep" your baby.

Adoption is about wanting something more for your baby than you have to give. It is about wanting that more than you want anything for yourself. As far as I'm concerned, it is the most selfless act a mother can do besides giving her own life for her child. And it is probably harder.

Single mothers who choose to place their children in a family are a small percentage in any age group, but most are not teenagers. Many more are in their 20's or even 30's. These women know life is not just about them and they know that there is more that their baby can have than what they can give.

If you've said something like this, please don't spend time feeling bad. Just consider this some sensitivity training, and please, if you know a birth mother who is making the courageous choice of adoption, let her know that you get it. It has been hard for me to hear these kind of comments. I can't imagine how painful it would be as a birth mother to hear this over and over.

By the way, this is one of our family pictures we have posted on our new profile. Check it out and give us feedback :).

The Surprise is out! I'm taking Brent Paragliding :)

We have decided to create adventures every month, and this months was going to be a surprise. But, the big day came and the wind was going the wrong way so we had to postpone. But, one day, very soon, Brent and I will be screaming... I mean streaming through the air on a tandem flight through the sky.

Stay tuned for more...

Bienvenido a Miami

Ah the things we do in the name of science...

(This is from my recent trip to a Psychological Conference in Miami, sometimes it's hard being an accademic)*

*The convertabile was NOT my idea, I selected a compact, but the guy I was sharing it with got in first and added an "upgrade." Ironically, there's the same amount of leg room in the back...

And Back!

Now showing the end of Blonde Nicole! And a bit of our St. Patrick's Day party. I made an awesome corned beef and cabbage feast (and 6 kinds of potatoes)*. When you've served a mission in Ireland, you've got to represent!

*In a funny twist, most of these foods are actually not native to Ireland, but I was the only one at the dinner who knew that...

How's the adoption coming?

We get this question a lot, and I'm pretty sure that the people who don't ask are just being shy. I'm also fairly certain that most of our loving friends and family who ask have no idea what they are actually asking, so I thought I would take a moment to offer for anyone who is interested--

"Adoption 101: The 4 Step Process."

Step 1: Make the decision to adopt and choose an agency.

This is a very big, very scary for many people, and a very important step. It includes getting a lot of information about how different agencies work (very differently) and making a decision and usually some kind of payment to your agency of choice. (With LDS Familly Services, it is a very reasonable $1000.00.)

You get a case worker and a very large stack of paper (or passwords to a very large stack of electronic online forms).

Step 2: The Application Process, Home Study and Approval.

After selecting an agency, you spend the next 2-6 months getting approved. The process includes:

1. Filling out an obscene amount of information including statistical (age, weight, race, location, etc.), financial (pretty much your taxes, plus your assetts, debts, and credit report), personal (likes and dislikes, hobbies, interests, relationships, career, education, etc.), religious (bishop writes a letter), and finally legal (birth certificates, marriage certificates, authorizing criminal background checks, etc.).

2. The Home Study: In addition to providing information on your home and everyone in your family, you prepare your home for a safety inspection.

3. The Profile: Summarize your life stories, everything that you value and that is important to you, your personalities, testimonies, etc. on one piece of paper. Don't worry, you get to use both sides :) Then you get to use both sides of an additional piece of paper to create an illustration of your family (a picture collage).

This is what a birth mother will use to chose you, so no pressure. ;)

(Can you tell this was the hardest part for me).

3A) After all this was approved, LDS Family Services switched to a new online profile system, so we got to build another profile online. We like the new system. It is not limited in the amount of information or pictures you can include (and as far as I can tell, it is not biased towards people with the ability to scrapbook). They may not require the physical profiles anymore.

Step 3: The Waiting/ Finding Game

LDS Family Services calls the next stage the Finding Stage. But, I think most adopting couples call it the Waiting Stage. There are lots of creative (and many might say awkward) things people can do to get the word out that they are adopting. Many people send their friends and family a letter and profile that they can share with anyone they may run across who is considering adoption. Some people purchase advertising online or in other sources. Slightly less assertive are methods such as sharing with people you know that you are trying to adopt. My good friend made beautiful "business" cards to hand out that included the information that they were trying to adopt.

And of course, your profile is out there on "itsaboutlove.org" for anyone searching to find.

There is no waiting list. There is not really an "estimated time to arrival." It could be 10 days or 10 years. Someday, a birth mother chooses to give her baby an eternal family with a mom and a dad, and from the thousands and thousands of waiting couples, she chooses you.

Step 4: Placement and Finalization

See, the question "How's the adoption going/ or how is it coming along..." Unless someone is in the process of an overseas adoption (which is an extensive process that does come along) or unless they are working with a birthmother before a birth or placement, adoptions don't "come along." You just wait... and wait... and wait... and then they happen. Sometimes suddenly. Sometimes you have a few weeks to get to know your birthparent(s) and get ready for the new arrival.

Please check out our updated profile, and yes we would LOVE feedback! :)

(PS I wrote this a couple of months ago, and am just getting around to posting it).

Blonds are more fun!!

So, it was my birthday, the first one with a zero in a long time, and I needed a fun change, so here it is, I'm blond :)

My dad is in denial. He says I'm not blond, I just have highlights.

I called my nieces to chat and found that my secret had been released as barter for top secret information (My mother-in-law traded my blond pictures for "If you tell me whether your new baby is going to be a boy or a girl, I'll give you pictures of Aunt Nicole's new hair!") I was surprised at the amount of anxiety it caused. Poor Grace!

"Aunt Nicole why did you change your hair! You don't even look like you! I would never be able to find you in Disney World now!"

I assured her that by the time she needs to find me in Disney World again, I'm pretty sure I'll be a brunette again. Not because I don't love it, but because I just don't spend enough time on my hair to keep it up.

I think she had a harder time getting used to it then Brent, who, by the way was very supportive.

Love you Honey!

Nicole's Hair

For some unknown reason* Nicole has recently been experimentally dying her hair. This is what we started with around last October: (and isn't she pretty!)

Apparently, I'm not supposed to take pictures during the dying processes, but I did:And viola` a few hours later:And then around Christmas she did it again, while I was running errands so I couldn't take a picture during:And THEN, for her birthday, we invited these shaddy characters over:
And the result:

Hmm... apparently, we didn't get a picture of her new hair (maybe one of the shaddy characters has the evidence). Nicole's dyed it again since then (but not too much) so I'll see if I can find a picture of that for next time.

*Actually, it is known, we're just not allowed to say. :(

Guess it's time to take matters into my own hands...

:) This is Nicole. You may or may not realize that most of these posts are written by Brent (the pervasive sarcasm is a giveaway). But, busy as life has been, my darling has not had time to keep up, so I'm swooping in to save the day and post an update on the life of the Mellings. (Brent, Nicole, Buster Gabriel, Tabitha Puss (as in Pussy Cat), and Starvin Marvin the oldest living Walmart Goldfish).

One exciting bit of news is that we have tickets to the Comi-Con!

I never dreamt in my life that I would have tickets to the national comic book convention. Our dear friend and soon to be famous artist and author, Heather is going with us. It will be a joyous summer road trip.

In other news, Nicole just completed her fourth and final out of town weekend for the Leadership Course she is taking with Landmark Education. The course completes in March, and we are all looking forward to the finish line. It's been very valuable, awesome actually, but also pretty intense.

Brent is still traveling to Salt Lake twice a week for his internship with the LDS church research department. He is only teaching one class this semester, and it seems to me he's been a little less busy, which has been nice. He is making progress with his disertation also. (I'm pretty sure I spelled that wrong...).

Brent and I have been having some electronic difficulties lately. Our treadmill, dryer and my new computer all went on the fritz at about the same time. We got pretty handy-man the other day and fixed the motor controller (like the motherboard) on our treadmill, so Brent can get back into gear in his bee-line to 200 pounds. :) I also got my computer replaced (after a few months and a lot of hours of phone calls with Dell. Still workin on the dryer, but we're going to run out of clean clothes soon, so I'm sure it won't be long...

Love you all!

Mega Post 2

A few posts ago, (back in August), I mentioned a few things coming up on the horizon. We did all them and more, so much so that catching up on reading blogs, let alone posting to them, has fallen by the wayside. But fear not! I try to keep up on facebook, with mixed results.

I'd also at this time like to promise pictures to go with the following post at some latter date, but while my intentions are good, I don't see that happening any time soon. Still, if I don't post something, we're likely to forget what we did this year and then our end of the year letter will be lame. So...

AUGUST:
* I finished Team-teaching Psychology of Gender. It was certainly an experience and I'm going to continue to take a break from that one for awhile.
* Nicole and I flew to Connecticut and visited with family then drove up to Toronto for APA. Southwest mislaid my one suitcase with all my clothes in it. It didn't make it to Connecticut by the time we had to leave for Canada and they don't fly to Canada, so we make a detour at the Buffalo airport and picked it up! (Luckily we had already finished doubling back to get a forgotten passport and arrived in Toronto without further incidence).
* I got assigned to teach Psych 111 (Intro to Psych) at BYU and History of Psych at UVU. Fortunately, I've taught both before and have been learning what the minimum prep time needed is. Twice (once in each class) I've prepared for the wrong lesson (i.e. a chapter that I hadn't assigned my student's to read). I was able to teach what they had prepared for, however, so I'm feeling pretty comfortable in my role and ability as a university professor.
* I did end up applying to an internship in Salt Lake. It's with the LDS Church in their research information Division. I didn't even know that we had a Research Information Division until they recruited me! All the research is pretty proprietary, so I get to pull the whole secret agent schtick about not being able to talk about my work, but sometimes I really want to.

September
* Nicole finally got her official raise (with compensation) and began transitioning to replace the assistant director at her work. She gets an office, but she'll probably end up sharing it with someone.
* Nicole also began her monthly weekend travels to Denver/Phoenix for her leadership training (As well as Friday night classrooms).
* We sat in a Leadership class in the MBA program. Nicole found it very difficult to not participate.
* I began my last officially required course for my PhD program. After this, nothin' but Dissertation! (and "fun" classes).
* I began to think about my Dissertation topic. I think I've got one, but explaining it will have to wait for a longer post.
* We went to Logan where I ran the "Top of Utah" marathon. I had a great half time, then the pain overwhelmed me (apparently you need to train on pavement more than once a week, the treadmill won't cut it). I survived, but with such a time that I resolved to run another marathon in November to make up for it.
* We went camping with friends and caught what there is of Utah's autumn in the mountains (a better show than from the valley). I had to leave right from work and thus began the trip in a suit.

October
* I turned 28 and actually started to feel really old. On my bus commute to and from SLC, I'm finding it harder to read and study without becoming nauseous and running has become even more wearying. I also didn't have a big party. Mostly because most of my friends moved away :(
* In fact, although I had registered for the Mesquite marathon in November, I contacted the coordinator and got switched to the half-marathon. Fortunately, out of all our activities, running is the only one that has really suffered, and even that is still going moderately well.
* We also found out about a new TV show, that so far seems good, clean, and funny, it's "White Collar" on USA (we've just watched the first two episodes so far).

November
* The end is in sight! I'll be doing that half marathon on Saturday and then I have a week off from teaching and taking classes. I hope to get all prepped for the end of the semester. I should mention that in addition to 20 hours a week in SLC (plus 6 hours of commuting), teaching at two universities, and taking a few classes, I'm also doing research at BYU's Faculty Center, TAing for another professor, finishing off some qualitative research on health and religious community of immigrants, working with the editor on the next edition of "Taking Sides in Psychology," doing another research project on daily theistic experience, helping organize the division 24 midwinter meeting, and writing abstracts for several presentations for the next year. And some other stuff. Anyway, as I always say (and always get wrong), next semester should be easier.